My companion is deeply in love with me personally. So now Sue is extremely hurt and seems betrayed.

Every week our relationship specialist, Sarah Abell, answers readers’ concerns on psychological problems.

7:00AM GMT 15 Mar 2011

Several years ago my closest friend, Sue, said she had fallen in love beside me and I brushed her off saying, “I don’t feel exactly the same way, you’re my closest friend, I’m straight”. She was at the full time and is still in a committed relationship with kiddies. We always been close friends on the full years with durations where she’d take away from our relationship however we’d make contact with being ok once more, at the very least, we thought we did.

Sue now informs me she’s held it’s place in love beside me the time that is entire has struggled whenever I’ve held it’s place in relationships, that have for ages been with guys. Fast-forward to now and I also find myself within my very very first relationship with a lady plus it is actually with Sue’s really friend that is best of 20 years. We don’t understand why it simply happened however it did and it also’s good.

She had been waiting for me personally to truly have the “ah ha” moment and realize I happened to be supposed to be together with her.

While the only reason she thought through the years because I would never want to be with a girl that we weren’t together was. She blames me personally for the design her relationship has been around for the previous many years and she feels that I’ve led her on when it comes to whole time.

Sue is quite mad beside me and I also have no idea how exactly to navigate the problem. She desires distance, that we have but i will be very aggravated too at having lost her relationship. She informs me she’s working on the relationship and household now and if it gets better, we could be buddies in the foreseeable future. We interact thus I see her each day. And her relationship together with her closest friend hasn’t changed; it is simply ours, which can be the difficulty. Do any advice is had by you on the best way to salvage this relationship?

What a situation that is messy! I need to state reading your letter I happened to be reminded to be fifteen once once again whenever my buddies and I also camrabbit talked about “best friends”, had crushes, got jealous periodically whenever buddies dated one another and would see red in case a mate produced move on somebody we liked. However you aren’t teens navigating the turbulent waters of unrequited love, raging hormones and testing the boundaries of relationship I say it, should know better– you are grown women – who dare. Rather than using the passive approach of thinking that is one thing occurring for your requirements if you and Sue took some responsibility for your own actions and behaviour– I think it would be more productive.

Let’s begin with Sue. This woman is in “a committed relationship with kiddies” and blames you for the bad state of her relationship along with her partner. For all these years anyway especially if you told her you weren’t interested if she is in a committed relationship – why was she pursuing you? You can easily blame others however the the fact is Sue permitted her emotions to help you eat her and she, maybe not you, accounts for their state of her relationship together with her household.

You meanwhile appear unacquainted with why Sue might be upset and feel enraged that she has been lost by you relationship. You need to try to understand her feelings and be honest about the part you played in creating this current situation if you are serious about salvaging this relationship. Think about truthfully on– knowing as you did that she had romantic feelings for you whether you ever did anything to lead her? Could your intimacy or friendliness have now been interpreted as flirtation? Might you have put up better boundaries around your relationship? You caused if you answered “yes” – consider apologising to Sue for any upset.

You don’t mention just exactly how Sue discovered regarding the brand new relationship but from you directly – think about how that made her feel if it wasn’t. Have actually you attempted to reveal to her exactly exactly just how you abruptly became drawn to a lady (specially one that is her companion) whenever for a lot of years you reported you can never fancy some body of your intercourse? Understanding the reality will help her to know a better that is little.

Exactly what does your brand new partner think of the problem?

It appears amazing that her relationship with Sue has remained unscathed. Did she maybe maybe maybe not understand that Sue was at love to you before she made her go? But, as Sue is not upset along with her, maybe she may help you to re-build your relationship. Decide to try asking on her insights on Sue’s responses and maybe some suggestions about just exactly what might improve issues.

My suggestion is to communicate with Sue, apologise if you want to and talk about methods for moving forward along with your friendship and working relationship. However it maybe that Sue can’t or won’t move ahead with this. If that may be the situation – you have got no option but to respect her emotions also to keep her to re-build her relationships. Often readiness is once you understand when you should keep well alone.

* CONTACT SARAH ABELL

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